Wedding Love Day

Oh boy! I just got married.
My new name is Savannah Lin Van Alstyne.
My new husband is my lover,  Jacob.

Our wedding was beyond perfect.
I'm so glad we decided to go through with a beautiful ceremony,
as we are both somewhat the type to elope. :)

I'll share a few pictures, so you can understand the perfection

i hope you enjoy them as much as i
<3

holy smokin' cow

my last post was about the engagement! nerdy nerdy me.
i'm terrible at blogging - therefore we have much catching up to do.
i have much catching up to do.

most important:
i'm in line to marry the man of my dreams (as long as i don't piss him off too bad within 2 months)
that man i mentioned, he and i have been having the most lovely days recently.
we skate around downtown. get coffee. get beer. get airhead extremes. get whatever we want.
it's been so fun. those are my happiest of happy days.
i love my jacob, and we also get to go to NY again soon. To play with his family up in the hamptons.
oooh la la. we are both excited.

Also we bought a puppy - turns out its been quite the experience. He's actually a FABULOUS boy. Its more just the --getting up in the middle of the night to let him pee-- type things that make it a little hard. If you ask me? We have two perfect pups.

Life is good for now.
Hope yours is too.

new york/engagement

New York with Jacob was actually a March travel as well.
But it was so awesomely cool, I felt it deserved its own post. EXCITE!

ah... Jakey proposed in central park!


It was basically way romantic and cute. :)
Now I'm engaged to be wed.
We both basically feel we've been married a while anyhow.
But, we're both excited to tie the knot.
Jacobs been my man now for over 2 years.
My man, my lover, my protector & my best friend.
I sure do love that boy.

And now some New York lovin pictures:

engaged <3

We have an amazingly lovely time, to put it lightly.

recent travels

I'm terrible at keeping my blog up to date.
It's ok. I'm forgiven.

In march, I had quite the lucky-travel month.
I got to return to london, UK (my #1 favorite place on this planet)
and I also spent a small amount of time in dublin.

My long, lost pen pal (Alice) was kind enough to let me stay with her in England.
She lives in a lovely little town by the name of Brighton.
Its a bit south of London, and seaside. My god, the place was beautiful.
I am indebted to her for life.
There is absolutely no better way to immerse yourself in the lovely English culture,
than to live a week with some amazing, welcoming Brits.

Alice and her roommates were way more kind than I could have ever asked for.
She lives in her lovely flat with her man, Dave & another couple named Beth & Jamie.
They were all ridiculously fun people, we had a blast while they showed me their side of Brighton.

I stayed with them for about 7 days. They didn't miss one morning of waking me up with the smell of coffee & eggs on toast. Coolest folks EVER.

I'll just share a few photos:

alice and i

alice & david

jamie, beth & i

After 7 days of that, i moved onto Dublin, Ireland. 

I only spent two days in Dublin, and my transportation was reduced to my longboard.

So, I skated in a corner of Dublin for two days. It was beautiful and green.

Someday I would like to visit northern Ireland, I was convinced by the Irish.

I have a few pictures from there too:

a lovely tea shop

i stayed on jean-pierre's couch. he was cool.

That is an awful quick summary of my March travels.

I'm sure if you're reading this, I've told you much about it anyway.

My Bible

If you know me but at all, you know I have a deep obsession with the poem "Desiderata."

I haven't posted anything too upbeat lately. Life has its ways of bringing you down.

I'm slowly learning that happiness is not something that's served to you on a plate, with a side of optimism.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is something that you have to find within yourself.

Nothing has helped me realize this more than this poem.

It explains life's ups and downs better than I could ever do.

It makes you want to be a happy, brave person.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

i've got no where else to go

"if i get it all down on paper

its no longer inside of me

threatening the life it belongs to"

is it wrong to despise living?

maybe its not the simple task of living, but more so of growing up.

john mayer is currently telling me the heart of life is good

i believe that, or at least i try.

sadness is something that is very difficult to push away

i have always seen myself as a happy, bubbly person. 

lately i can't stop thinking. thinking thinking thinking.

you could call it the "greener grass syndrome."

what if the choices i made weren't the choices i wanted to make

i do my best to not think about the past

but, for me its become impossible

was i happier in st george?

living with my two best of friends

maybe?

however, all i thought was the urge i had to escape

check.

i ran away to portland

began a brand new life

i wiped my slate clean and skated my life away

i loved portland, but i loved my best friend [at the time] more.

she needed to move to bend for safety issues 

i moved to bend with her

i did not like living in bend - per say

but, i had an amazing job that allowed me to travel to places

i would never have been able to see

i adored that

my parents were kind enough to spot me the cash

to get through my time in bend and make it back to salt lake

i've been in salt lake for about three years now (i think)

and its not my home

i'm trapped in my own state

i'm trapped in my own state of mind

circles circles circles

i'm back to thinking about nothing other than escape

i want to run away

i want to run away so bad

i want to run run run and never stop running

i don't want to know where i'll end up

i don't care

please, take me away

awake

"And we laugh like soft, mad children, 

smug in the wooly cotton brains of infancy

the music and voices are all around us."

i wake up

i tie my shoes

the day is no one's but mine

(tomorrow i slave away)

a contradiction?

i lie, telling myself:

"there. is. no. other. way."

where to go from here?

is this what i will be? 

my roots surely don't grow weaker in time

do i want this?

do i want you?

do you want me?

i'm broken, you know

im breaking you

i'm broken but healing

i'm sick of feeling pain associated to absolutely nothing

i'm tired of being trapped in every possible way

tell me i'm not trapped

i'm never trapped

i make my own choices

i wouldn't take a single one back

the colors make me feel at home

the colors keep me sane

the pills help, i've been told

though i prefer to imagine its the colors & freedom

they say i can choose happiness.

[easier said than done]

 what is happiness?

comfort? maybe

love? possible

money? it helps

freedom? yes.

a bit of all of the above, i'm sure

i need change

change makes me feel new

new and clean

less broken

change is happiness

i'll move here and there

with or without you and yours

some are easier days to bare than others

in retrospect however

there is no day much different than the one before

a zombie

with uncontrollable thoughts

happiness?

...who knows...

i'm a hap hap happy soul today

i'm a happy camper

i'm giving myself a break from stress/life  - thanks to my lover man. I am beginning to feel a bit more free & my mind is finally taking a break from itself. I've cut down hours at work - and i can already feel the relief.

time. time time time. i need time to be. i need time to think. who am i? still learning. getting there, though.

I've decided phil, from modern family, summed it up rather well when he said "Life: your parents fake their way through it. You fake your way through it. And hopefully you don't raise a serial killer."

that's life my friends

perhaps i'm in the process of faking my way through it. it would be impossible without the love and support of my family, my work family, and last (but sure as hell not least) my furry men that take such good care of me.

i'm enjoying life right now - its fabulous.

THE REASONING

my family

i could not have asked for anything better

i love each and every one of these guys

even if i don't express it as much as i would like

[they are my world]

my jacob

there isn't much to say

other than he is the love of my life

i would do anything to make him smile

he does the same

we're perfect together 

and we both know we always will be

i love him so much

my furry koda man

as many know, we've been having k-9 stress

i'm so grateful that i can hold on to my baby

he's the first [almost] child (if you will) i've had

i don't know what i would do without his fuzzy face

or the way he nibbles on my fingers

he needs me, but i probably need him more.

thanks my boy

my baby kitties

again, too much to say

we've had them since day one

and as much as they couldn't care less about us,

i love them with every fiber of my being

i need my ellie girl for cuddles

damn, does she give the best cuddles ever

my work family

i don't know what i would do without them

they stand by me through thick & thin

i love each one of them

they do their best to deal with me

you've gotta give them credit for that

I love my pals

chrissy is one of my favorite females ever

i miss her, but we still play

i miss all my friends

but i've been doing a much better job at making plans

and sticking to them

(that's the hardest part)

my new tattoo

this is just a very simple sketch 

i took to my new favorite tat artist

he's turned it into perfection

its about half done

but, something i've been planning for some time

it feels good to finally add a bit more ink

thanks jesse

holy shit i'm going to london again

in march

i have a trip planned to meet my long-lost pen pal in london

i'm escaping there for many-a-days

i love london

london is me

if i could be it - i would

my man is taking me to new york

i've never been there and i'm almost shitting my pants

i can't even wait

new york has been on my list for a while

...not for much longer...

to sum it up: life is splendid at the time being

over load

my brain has been left alone for too long. brain overload. emotion overload. life overload.

OH-VER-LOH-DED

i want to run so far away, but i never again want to leave the comfort of my home

i need to scream, but i have a headache. and screaming never solves anything, i've learned.

(plus my throat hurts)

i'm tired, but i'm always tired. maybe its a subconscious longing for my dreams?

what are my dreams? i have my dreams. i have my boy. i have my dreams. 

i'm glad i finally have my dreams.

i want to cry still - but i can't. i took a pill.

its nice to be restrained from crying sometimes. i do it too often lately.

life is getting better. work is more free. i don't feel trapped there. [breath]

i feel comfort there. my work is my family. i hurt when they hurt. that's fucking ridiculous.

its a health clinic. let it go. i can't. when i eventually feel the bond, it breaks my heart to let it go.

i feel safe there. thanks work. i hope it stays this way.

i need my intermediate family more. they are my family. my siblings are my babies. i want to watch them grow. i love being with any one of them. i want them to some see me more. they'll love my t.v. i promise guys, its huge and cool. we have fun games. i want one of the kids to live with me someday, if their life track brings them here. oh boy, do i ever love my family. my dad is the best dad/man/whatever. i respect him so much for what he's done for our family. go dad. i love you so much. and my mom is my best friend - i love that. thanks mom.

life. sometimes it gets better. thanks blog.

struggling

In my current state of questioning life, and trying to   find myself   if you will, i've developed a (probably unwarranted) hatred for the saying, or quote, i've heard all my life. We're all familiar with it:

 "just be yourself" 

I think that's an incredibly misleading phrase. What the fuck do you mean, just be myself? Isn't that exactly what i am? Myself. Its not hard to be your self. You do what your brain wants to do. Its rather simple. 

I strongly believe one is not purely a self with "pre-destined" life planned out in black and white. 

One must mold themselves. 

There is not a single self you can possibly be. 

Your self will move to towns you never imagined if you let go of your fears. 

Your self will feel indescribable feelings towards others, embrace them.

Your self will make so many god-damned mistakes, you'll wish you were born a fish.

Hang in there - Your self is being made.

Your self will cry and cry and cry & wonder when it will stop - its part of the process.

Your self will wonder who you are. Dont, please - you're always being molded.

Your self will think and rethink every decision you make, don't regret any. just move on.

Your self will be alone - because you are you, and you have to face you, alone.

i write this with many people in mind. sometimes its impossible to understand and feel the love that people have for you. the recent suicides are still lingering in my mind, and will be for a long time. i feel very close to those who have committed suicide for simply feeling alone. its very easy for our brains to wander close to the edge when you feel you've got nothing left -or even if you feel you don't understand. nobody understands. and i can honestly tell all of you that. 

why am i here? there are billions of answers out there, if you want to go looking. 

what are my goals supposed to be? you know what? don't have goals - if you don't want goals. if you want to become something rad, then by god - there is nothing stopping you. you can become any god damned thing you want to be. You can become president.

sometimes your life is comfortable & questionable - dont be afraid to flip your world upside-down, and see what the other side brings.

(I feel a little better now. Thank you for listening. I hope you gained something from it. I hope I did too.)