My Bible

If you know me but at all, you know I have a deep obsession with the poem "Desiderata."

I haven't posted anything too upbeat lately. Life has its ways of bringing you down.

I'm slowly learning that happiness is not something that's served to you on a plate, with a side of optimism.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is something that you have to find within yourself.

Nothing has helped me realize this more than this poem.

It explains life's ups and downs better than I could ever do.

It makes you want to be a happy, brave person.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

i've got no where else to go

"if i get it all down on paper

its no longer inside of me

threatening the life it belongs to"

is it wrong to despise living?

maybe its not the simple task of living, but more so of growing up.

john mayer is currently telling me the heart of life is good

i believe that, or at least i try.

sadness is something that is very difficult to push away

i have always seen myself as a happy, bubbly person. 

lately i can't stop thinking. thinking thinking thinking.

you could call it the "greener grass syndrome."

what if the choices i made weren't the choices i wanted to make

i do my best to not think about the past

but, for me its become impossible

was i happier in st george?

living with my two best of friends

maybe?

however, all i thought was the urge i had to escape

check.

i ran away to portland

began a brand new life

i wiped my slate clean and skated my life away

i loved portland, but i loved my best friend [at the time] more.

she needed to move to bend for safety issues 

i moved to bend with her

i did not like living in bend - per say

but, i had an amazing job that allowed me to travel to places

i would never have been able to see

i adored that

my parents were kind enough to spot me the cash

to get through my time in bend and make it back to salt lake

i've been in salt lake for about three years now (i think)

and its not my home

i'm trapped in my own state

i'm trapped in my own state of mind

circles circles circles

i'm back to thinking about nothing other than escape

i want to run away

i want to run away so bad

i want to run run run and never stop running

i don't want to know where i'll end up

i don't care

please, take me away

awake

"And we laugh like soft, mad children, 

smug in the wooly cotton brains of infancy

the music and voices are all around us."

i wake up

i tie my shoes

the day is no one's but mine

(tomorrow i slave away)

a contradiction?

i lie, telling myself:

"there. is. no. other. way."

where to go from here?

is this what i will be? 

my roots surely don't grow weaker in time

do i want this?

do i want you?

do you want me?

i'm broken, you know

im breaking you

i'm broken but healing

i'm sick of feeling pain associated to absolutely nothing

i'm tired of being trapped in every possible way

tell me i'm not trapped

i'm never trapped

i make my own choices

i wouldn't take a single one back

the colors make me feel at home

the colors keep me sane

the pills help, i've been told

though i prefer to imagine its the colors & freedom

they say i can choose happiness.

[easier said than done]

 what is happiness?

comfort? maybe

love? possible

money? it helps

freedom? yes.

a bit of all of the above, i'm sure

i need change

change makes me feel new

new and clean

less broken

change is happiness

i'll move here and there

with or without you and yours

some are easier days to bare than others

in retrospect however

there is no day much different than the one before

a zombie

with uncontrollable thoughts

happiness?

...who knows...