i'm a hap hap happy soul today

i'm a happy camper

i'm giving myself a break from stress/life  - thanks to my lover man. I am beginning to feel a bit more free & my mind is finally taking a break from itself. I've cut down hours at work - and i can already feel the relief.

time. time time time. i need time to be. i need time to think. who am i? still learning. getting there, though.

I've decided phil, from modern family, summed it up rather well when he said "Life: your parents fake their way through it. You fake your way through it. And hopefully you don't raise a serial killer."

that's life my friends

perhaps i'm in the process of faking my way through it. it would be impossible without the love and support of my family, my work family, and last (but sure as hell not least) my furry men that take such good care of me.

i'm enjoying life right now - its fabulous.

THE REASONING

my family

i could not have asked for anything better

i love each and every one of these guys

even if i don't express it as much as i would like

[they are my world]

my jacob

there isn't much to say

other than he is the love of my life

i would do anything to make him smile

he does the same

we're perfect together 

and we both know we always will be

i love him so much

my furry koda man

as many know, we've been having k-9 stress

i'm so grateful that i can hold on to my baby

he's the first [almost] child (if you will) i've had

i don't know what i would do without his fuzzy face

or the way he nibbles on my fingers

he needs me, but i probably need him more.

thanks my boy

my baby kitties

again, too much to say

we've had them since day one

and as much as they couldn't care less about us,

i love them with every fiber of my being

i need my ellie girl for cuddles

damn, does she give the best cuddles ever

my work family

i don't know what i would do without them

they stand by me through thick & thin

i love each one of them

they do their best to deal with me

you've gotta give them credit for that

I love my pals

chrissy is one of my favorite females ever

i miss her, but we still play

i miss all my friends

but i've been doing a much better job at making plans

and sticking to them

(that's the hardest part)

my new tattoo

this is just a very simple sketch 

i took to my new favorite tat artist

he's turned it into perfection

its about half done

but, something i've been planning for some time

it feels good to finally add a bit more ink

thanks jesse

holy shit i'm going to london again

in march

i have a trip planned to meet my long-lost pen pal in london

i'm escaping there for many-a-days

i love london

london is me

if i could be it - i would

my man is taking me to new york

i've never been there and i'm almost shitting my pants

i can't even wait

new york has been on my list for a while

...not for much longer...

to sum it up: life is splendid at the time being

over load

my brain has been left alone for too long. brain overload. emotion overload. life overload.

OH-VER-LOH-DED

i want to run so far away, but i never again want to leave the comfort of my home

i need to scream, but i have a headache. and screaming never solves anything, i've learned.

(plus my throat hurts)

i'm tired, but i'm always tired. maybe its a subconscious longing for my dreams?

what are my dreams? i have my dreams. i have my boy. i have my dreams. 

i'm glad i finally have my dreams.

i want to cry still - but i can't. i took a pill.

its nice to be restrained from crying sometimes. i do it too often lately.

life is getting better. work is more free. i don't feel trapped there. [breath]

i feel comfort there. my work is my family. i hurt when they hurt. that's fucking ridiculous.

its a health clinic. let it go. i can't. when i eventually feel the bond, it breaks my heart to let it go.

i feel safe there. thanks work. i hope it stays this way.

i need my intermediate family more. they are my family. my siblings are my babies. i want to watch them grow. i love being with any one of them. i want them to some see me more. they'll love my t.v. i promise guys, its huge and cool. we have fun games. i want one of the kids to live with me someday, if their life track brings them here. oh boy, do i ever love my family. my dad is the best dad/man/whatever. i respect him so much for what he's done for our family. go dad. i love you so much. and my mom is my best friend - i love that. thanks mom.

life. sometimes it gets better. thanks blog.

struggling

In my current state of questioning life, and trying to   find myself   if you will, i've developed a (probably unwarranted) hatred for the saying, or quote, i've heard all my life. We're all familiar with it:

 "just be yourself" 

I think that's an incredibly misleading phrase. What the fuck do you mean, just be myself? Isn't that exactly what i am? Myself. Its not hard to be your self. You do what your brain wants to do. Its rather simple. 

I strongly believe one is not purely a self with "pre-destined" life planned out in black and white. 

One must mold themselves. 

There is not a single self you can possibly be. 

Your self will move to towns you never imagined if you let go of your fears. 

Your self will feel indescribable feelings towards others, embrace them.

Your self will make so many god-damned mistakes, you'll wish you were born a fish.

Hang in there - Your self is being made.

Your self will cry and cry and cry & wonder when it will stop - its part of the process.

Your self will wonder who you are. Dont, please - you're always being molded.

Your self will think and rethink every decision you make, don't regret any. just move on.

Your self will be alone - because you are you, and you have to face you, alone.

i write this with many people in mind. sometimes its impossible to understand and feel the love that people have for you. the recent suicides are still lingering in my mind, and will be for a long time. i feel very close to those who have committed suicide for simply feeling alone. its very easy for our brains to wander close to the edge when you feel you've got nothing left -or even if you feel you don't understand. nobody understands. and i can honestly tell all of you that. 

why am i here? there are billions of answers out there, if you want to go looking. 

what are my goals supposed to be? you know what? don't have goals - if you don't want goals. if you want to become something rad, then by god - there is nothing stopping you. you can become any god damned thing you want to be. You can become president.

sometimes your life is comfortable & questionable - dont be afraid to flip your world upside-down, and see what the other side brings.

(I feel a little better now. Thank you for listening. I hope you gained something from it. I hope I did too.)